Queen unimpressed

On a hot August day as I was skimming through the usual cocks and shit in my inbox, when I unexpectedly learned that as the 4th best performing sales partner for MEN.com I was rewarded with a BLOWJOB MACHINE (!!!!!) called Autoblow 2.0. After I got over the fact that I missed out on some cash prize that was rewarded to the first 3 places I slowly started to warm up to the idea that I will soon have a sexy artificial companion that promises 500 hours(!) of head and tons of orgasms!

Autoblow 2.0

From this point on days passed really slowly as I kept checking my mailbox and found nothing else, but bills and a complaint from the neighbor to keep down the noise. So a few weeks of boring, manual old fashioned jerking ensued, when I finally figured that the package was sent to my ex-boyfriend’s address and now he must be really happy to see me resort to a plastic mouth/vagina/asshole.

So when I finally got my new toy home I felt that rush of excitement when you just got a new video game and nothing will stop you from playing it. Drop pants, prepare lube, fire up 20+ porn tabs and go!

Autoblow 2.0 - illustration

Instructions look pretty simple, but the first weird thing is that it needs to be plugged into the electric socket while using it. The wire is long enough so that it doesn’t technically bother you, but… Would you put your dick into a toaster? Well let’s get over that. It’s all plastic/rubber, seems safe. The sleeve I received has the sex-neutral ‘mouth’ outlet. Second best option after the anus, but way better than a

V-A-G-I-N-A !

At first curious attempt I try to insert a finger. Feels surprisingly soft. Basically the same as a Flashjack except it has a bigger housing to facilitate the extra blowjob mechanism. Ok so let’s lube up, insert semi erect penis. Feels good, but I impatiently went for the full experience by activating the switch. At this point the thing starts to make the most mechanical noise you can think of and the blowing movement ensues. Remember wind-up toys from McDonald’s? It’s like a colony of bees are trying to collect your honey. Missed opportunity for not implementing gagging noises.

The intensity of the blowing can be controlled with the turn switch.

  • Very low: It acts like it wants to choke and die like a retired prostitute. Very depressing.
  • Low: Getting there, but something is missing. The sound is still weird :/
  • Medium: Feels good, but we will only be friends.
  • High: Okay, now what does this thing want from me?
  • Very High: I made a mistake. Thank god it has no teeth!

shark

I gave it a good 15 minutes, but I think it tells a lot that I had to revert to my good old right hand to finish up the session. Plus I am  not used to using that much lube, so all my desk got messy. After I cleaned up I saw this thing lying on my desk and I just felt a bit weird about it. I have other toys, but the mechanical aspect and trying to imitate some real person action makes it somehow creepy. Funny, but creepy.

Nevertheless, the next day when me and my (new and real) boyfriend turned to sexy mode I wanted to give it a try with him. And he was just about this much impressed:

Queen unimpressed

And then we were both fucking weirded out like we just changed our mind mid-way through a threesome.

At the $200 price point I would only recommend this thing for those who are into Flashjacks anyway, but want to try something new. I will offer my own piece to my dad as he is single and lousy blowjobs are still better thank no blowjobs!

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